Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: J William Worden

This month I wanted to deal with grieving. First we want to look at the attachment theory.  Worden (1991) stated that, “before we can fully comprehend the impact of a loss and the human behavior associated with it, one must have some understanding of the meaning of attachment.” (p. 7) Do we believe that grief is a disease?  Or even that mourning is necessary? When a woman loses her child to the system, we often don’t see grief in that situation.  Most time we say she deserved it and just look away.  That she was a bad parent and turn a blind eye.  Does that exclude her from grieving?  As a system we figure our job is to do what’s best for the child once that child is out of danger then the job is done.  So I beg to ask, who looks after the mother, to ensure that the cycle does not repeat itself.  There are four tasks of Mourning that Worden talks about in his book and they are: 1.       To accept the reality of the loss a.       This lady and so many of us have to come to realize that our children are not coming back home.  That whether it’s through our fault or not the system has deemed us unfit parents.  We can’t deny the fact that something happened or even that it could be our fault.  Whatever the case we need to learn to start accepting the loss in order to move on and heal.  Give yourself time, don’t feel like you have to be over it in the time frame society says that you should.  Cry if you have to. Scream, but never ever forget to pray.  ISA 26:3, “ the lord will keep me in perfect peace if my mind is stayed on him 2.       To work through the pain of grief a.       We need to be able to work through the pain of our loss. Worden says that if we don’t it will manifest in other forms in our lives.  Sometimes we hinder the process by avoiding painful situation but that does not take away the pain.  When the girls first left I couldn’t talk about them, I could watch their pictures, so I stuck them far away.  I felt that if I didn’t see the pictures I wouldn’t have to face what happened.  I know now that this was not helping me. 1John 4:20, “ if a man says, I love God and hateth his brother, he is a liar; for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, cannot love God whom he hath not seen”  I blamed everyone at first but I know that God does is not the author of confusion and I have to understand his plans and have faith that he will never give me more than I can bear and that if he takes me to the wilderness I have to trust he had a plan to get me through.  Lean on him. 3.       To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing a.       Living life now without the girls is hard but I am learning to lean on my almighty father to guide me through this process.  1 John 1:9 states, “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness’. “ I sometimes feel that I have done some injustice to have allowed my girls to be in the system, but when times like that come I look the hills where my help comes  from and say lord forgive me for I am hurting and don’t know what to do.  I lay it at his feet and ask him to keep them safe and pray that someday we will be reunited.  Until such time I pray and seek him you can too. 4.       To emotionally relocate the decreased and move on with life. a.       Sometimes I feel that I may be stuck at the point when the girls left but I know that I am not helping them or myself so I am learning to deal with the grief and get back to my equilibrium.  I have days that are bad, but I have many more good days now.  My hope is that you will get there too.  James 1:12, “blessed is the man that endureth temptation; for when he hath been approved, he shall receive the crown of life, which the lord promised to them that love him.” Worden stated it right when he said that the grieving brings the body back to its similar state of equilibrium.  When a woman loses a child whether it’s through death or the system, a loss is a loss.  The child is no more as far as the system is concerned for her.  She has to find a way to get back to life in a similar state of equilibrium. How can she do that if the system just pushes her away and sees her as only a means to an end?   The system is concerned about the child, who is concern about the mother to ensure that she is health again so that the cycle does not repeat itself.  I am not in any way condoning what happens I just want us to understand that the parents suffer too, even though it may never compare to what the children go though.  When the girls left I felt like my world was upside down.  I couldn’t understand what was going on. I wanted to blame everyone for everything.  I couldn’t love. I was angry all the time. I wanted someone to tell me where I went wrong.  Even though they were not my biological children that didn’t mean that the hurt was any less.  I miss them even today. With father’s day just passing I wish they could have been there to celebrate with us. I miss them even more as Angel’s birthday will be next month.  Going through the adoption process my goal was on getting the girls, I couldn’t fathom what their mom was going through as that was not my concern that time.  My goal was to have my babies.  It wasn’t until I met her and saw how much the system had failed her that I had much respect for her and love and admiration for what she wanted her for girls.  She may have had 8 children, but when we don’t turn back and check on these women the cycle just keeps repeating itself.  She was given all the services that the case worker was told to offer but the one thing she needed was never offered.  An intervention that was realistic to her individual situation. Mental illness is rampant in our community and if we don’t do enough to help those suffering we will continue to see these situations in the news where the children are the ones suffering the most.  I want to do my part and that is why I share my story.  I want to help those of you out there that have been through the same thing to know that there are others suffering you are not alone.  We may be in the same situation but we have individual voices and we want to be heard individually.   #dayzafter #prayerworks #puthimfirst #grief