I FEEL LIKE MY ENTIRE MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A LIE: dealing with the issues of trust and respect

It is sad that this is my revelation, but it is. I got married a few years ago and thought was very happy.  People around me felt that I had locked out and didn't deserve the position I was now placed in.  I never quite understood it, for I didn't think that I had won any such trophy.  

 For the first few years, things were fine; we were in the honey moon stage.  Shortly after that little things started to unravel; the lies started.  It went from the anger outburst with crippling words about regret about wanting to be with me and my inability to be mature enough to handle someone like you.  It didn't take long before the other women became issues.  It was always a friend, longtime friend, colleague, a customer etc., so many adjectives.  I couldn't keep up.  I had women driving by the house and the excuses were so pathetic, but I was in love and didn't really think that he would do that to me.  I mean I was that special (isn't that what we tell ourselves)

I became so paranoid, and uneasy with every ring of the phone that I started keeping tabs (we all do at some point) we catch ourselves thinking is he being faithful to me? Things just started to pile up, the guilt, the hurt, the pain, the sleepless nights. It was more than I had bargained for.  Don't even talk about money, we had separate accounts, maintained money separately and spent like single individuals but in a married relationship. 

I loved my husband, and I couldn't believe that I saved myself for this day and now he was turning out to be someone that I really didn't know, couldn't trust and couldn't respect.  My lack of respect and trust made it very difficult for him to love me in return.  I became the woman he detested.  He wouldn't touch me, (I didn't think I wanted him to either) he wouldn't confide in me or even spend time with me, but we were in this for the long run.  

I spent many nights alone, many days searching and praying to God to show me the way which I should go.  I pleaded to God to show me another way else I was walking out.   I was having depressed feelings, I was very unhappy and angry that I allowed someone else into my life that caused me that much grief.  Since I was so sad, it created an atmosphere that was very toxic for him.  

With no trust how do you build a married or any kind of relationship.  It was big lies, little lies, it’s like I expected it every time he opened his mouth to share in those small moments when he did.  The thing about lies is that once you tell one, you have to tell another to cover the one that you just told and that just keeps on going until you become sick to the point of diagnosis of pathological Liar. 

We spent many moments apart, every fight was another opportunity for him to walk out and stay away for days, only to return with no explanation of his whereabouts.  He common excuse would be, I was at so and so house, or I slept at the office.  I couldn’t tell whether or not you were lying or just simply covering your tracks as I couldn't really call those people to verify his whereabouts could I?  

I lie awake tonight asking God to free your mind and soul from this need to yearn for things that are not in accordance with his will for our marriage. Many would say run, run far away, believe me, most times that is what I want to do.  Instead I kneel in prayer. In prayer for resolution and restoration of mind and body.   I tell myself that, you won’t really miss me, as you have stated over and over that I am not the one that you want and that I am not mature enough, not good enough, can’t cook well enough, can’t clean enough, can’t take care of my duties enough.  Only God knows the plans for us, only he knows where we will end up.  Vengeance is mine says the lord.  I will deal with this on my knees. 

Ladies don’t let this be your life.  If you find yourself in this situation, seek the help of a good counselor and stay on your knees.  The devil is on this earth, like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour and he wants our marriages.  He wants to destroy our families.  He wants us to hate each other and add to the ever climbing rate of divorce. No woman should have to go through what this young lady is going through. A strong support system is vital in any situation.  The young lady above did state that she had found herself surrounded by women in another state that had started an accountability partnership.  They would call each other every week to report what they were working on for the following week, where they fell short that week and ways to improve. 

Depression is a serious condition, don’t take it lightly. Seek help and talk about it.

Tune in next week for what happened next with this family